KR at a Bay Area YA event held in San Francisco last year.
The False Start (2007)
In late 2007, I went through a lot of changes at once – I moved to a new place, applied to grad school, burned out from over-work, and went through an early mid-life crisis. I questioned the trajectory of my career, the purpose of my life, the weight of my commitments, the burden of my compulsions, and the nuances of societal expectations.
Somehow, while I was looking for advice on how to deal with all this at the library, I discovered Eknath Easwaran. I blitzed through four of his books. I ordered ten more on Amazon the next month!
The books seemed life-changing, so I devoured them. I read Meditation and loved it – I decided I'd meditate. Someday. And then, I didn't touch the books again.
Another False Start (2009)
Prompted by a confluence of stressful events, I revisited the books in 2009. Easwaran's non-judgmental and pithy advice was just as refreshing as when I'd first read him.
Re-inspired, I joined the mailing list of my local satsang, hoping that this would force me to meditate at last.
I soon started getting an email every week inviting me to attend a satsang. Every time I saw the email, I'd feel guilty, lazy, and tired, and brush it off because I was just oh-so-busy. Next week.
My First Retreat . . . Almost (2010)
This went on for more than a year. After 18 months of my faithful and completely absent membership, my satsang coordinator invited me to a local regional retreat. Excited and inspired, I registered.
But (and you may start to see a pattern here), I chickened out at the last minute because I was just "too busy." I was also terrified, though I couldn't tell of what exactly.
More Crises and More Easwaran (2011)
I went through personal and professional crises again in 2011, and I turned to the books for solace and guidance again.
I brushed off Easwaran's guidance on meditation altogether. This time, I convinced myself that I didn't need meditation. Of course, I was so busy, so stressed, and had so little time, I told myself. I decided to tackle it a quicker way – I'd read the books, understand it all, internalize the lessons, and I'd meditate when I'm old, with plenty of free time. Looking back, this was just another way for my mind to trick me with its penchant for clever intellectualization.
The Self-Development Experiment (Early 2012)
Prompted by the biggest crisis of my life yet, I delved deep into personal growth and reinvention. I read tens of personal development books, listened to scores of audiobooks, and along the way, I revisited Easwaran's books.
This time, the books stirred something in me . . . but as I went through my personal growth wave, I decided I'd focus on discovering myself and enjoying life's material pursuits. Meditation could wait.
I noticed that one of Easwaran's books talked about retreats for young adults in California. I thought a retreat in rural northern California seemed particularly enticing. I promised myself that if I ever found myself living in California, I'd go to a retreat as a present to myself.
Until this point, I had yet to meditate even once in my life.
My First Actual Retreat (Late 2012)
It so happened that in late 2012, I unexpectedly moved to California.
I remembered my promise to myself, and knowing nobody in the area, I thought a retreat seemed like a great way to meet new people and have fun. I distinctly remember introducing myself to everyone at the retreat, and telling them, "I'm just here to chill." And I did!
I finally meditated for the first time during the retreat. Looking back, everyone at the retreat emanated an air of caring non-judgmentalism that I've found at few other settings. Encouraged by their gentle guidance, I did the practice meditations throughout the retreat.
Meditation was way, way harder than I’d expected. I should have guessed – I’d been resisting it for more than five years.
I came home from the retreat, and overwhelmed by the thought of meditating every day, I didn't meditate again.
Wait, Wait – I Don't Want to Join a Cult
Growing up in India, I had plenty of exposure to fake gurus, cults, and blind hero-worship. As a particularly skeptical person, I was also hesitant to start meditating because I didn't want to join some "cult."
Looking back, this was my own mind's perfect weapon to dissuade me from beginning meditation. As I reflect on it now, meditation is a fundamentally personal and individual experience, and all Eknath Easwaran provides is guidance on how to meditate and how to progress through different stages of meditation. I decided I’d take what I liked and leave the rest.
Over time, as I got to know many long-term meditators and the Blue Mountain Center of Meditation itself, I felt that they were but a non-organized and small group of well-intended, serious, and spiritually-minded men and women who lived extraordinarily inspiring and simple lives.
My Second Young Adult Retreat (2013)
My first retreat was a great way to be around young, spiritually minded men and women. Even though I didn’t meditate after the retreat, I still wanted to go back!
