What made the greatest impression on me was that academia could offer no definitive solution to my deepest question: ‘How can we live more harmoniously with each other and with the earth?’ I found that there were many possible varieties of environmentalism. A smart boy in my biology class argued that nuclear power was both safe and the best solution to climate change; others were skeptical. A wind power spokesperson presented clearing large swaths of mountaintop in order to erect 200 ft. turbines as a godsend for green energy in the face of inevitable energy demand increases. Was it possible I could disagree? I learned everything is contextual. There is no single utopian path, but there are many middle paths. I wanted to explore those.
I left college in the spring of 2011 not only with a bachelor’s degree, but also with a broken heart. With the goal of healing myself as well as the world, I jumped into farm-to-school education with all the enthusiasm a broken heart can muster. I was – and am – convinced that demonstrating care and reverence for the earth to young children is one of the best ways of cultivating a healthier world. Part of what I took away from college was the understanding that knowledge cannot, in itself, provide deep solutions. The most significant changes must come from a complete shift in consciousness. This was a little tap from Krishna: ‘You see? Remember me?’
This particular farming program was based on Waldorf methods of education. The farmhouse where classes came to stay was situated in the middle of a 400-acre biodynamic working farm in the Hudson River Valley. Across the street, a thriving Waldorf elementary and high school stood on a small hill; behind them, the hill ran down to a creek and into a large swath of prime New England woods. It was truly idyllic!
As a Waldorf graduate myself, I was keen to learn more about the underlying philosophy and the man who developed it, Rudolf Steiner. From what I already knew, he was a Renaissance man. His interest covered all subjects and he lectured widely. Besides developing the Waldorf school, he offered insights into new methods of farming (Biodynamics), medicine, special education and science.
In the fall, I picked up a book off the library shelf in the main farmhouse. It was by Steiner, and had the intriguing title, How to Know Higher Worlds. The first line reads:
‘The capacities by which we can gain insights into higher worlds lie dormant within each of us.’
A little further on, under a section titled ‘Inner Peace,’ he describes a meditation practice:
‘Our thoughts should be clear, sharp, precise. We will find a way of achieving this if we do not stay blindly with the thoughts arising within us. Rather, we should fill ourselves with high thoughts that more advanced and spiritually inspired souls have thought in similar moments. Here our starting point should be the writings that have themselves grown out of meditative revelations’ (Steiner, 34).
I was instantly struck by the resonance between Steiner’s recommendation and Easwaran’s eight-point program. It was affirming to find this insight in new places. Steiner’s verbose and scientific style (some of his writings are very dense) helped me appreciate Easwaran’s simplicity and grace in describing the spiritual path. Though I didn’t begin meditating very regularly at that point, I became much more confidant that Easwaran was my true teacher. Here was another tap on the shoulder! However, it took a period of intense loneliness and doubt to solidify my dedication to the eight-point path.
Skip ahead two years to the fall of 2013. I just finished a year as an assistant in a Waldorf kindergarten and had a year of early childhood teacher training under my belt. It sounded lovely on paper, but I was lonely and had even begun to doubt whether teaching kindergarten was the vocation for me. I was wiped out. Far away from most of my friends and family, I was ready to go home.
So I did! I went home, applied for a few jobs in town, didn’t get them, and settled into a life of hopeful internet surfing, BBC period drama, and dejection. In other words, I was just skimming the horizon of a black hole of despair. I was a little lost, and definitely confused. Even now that I was home, it took a little while to regroup. For the most part, I felt useless and ungrounded. And my senses were definitely riding over me roughshod! Over and over I thought: What should I do? Where are my talents needed? Why doesn’t my dream job just e-mail me??
And then, it did.
Not quite the one I was thinking of, but Krishna, in his great wisdom and love of surprise, knew best. I received an e-mail from a friend I knew from family program days attending a young adult retreat wondering if I would be interested too! It took a little while to convince myself that this was the right thing to do, but I did go. And it was marvelous. I knew it the instant 60-degree air hit my face, and Minnesota in November blew out with the fog over the ocean. As we drove in to Tomales, I thought of the passage Grieve Not:
After much wandering, I am come home
Where turns not the wheel of time and change
And my emperor rules without a second or third
In Abadan, filled with love and wisdom.
I still struggle with the daily ritual of getting out of bed and meditating. Some days, it is so hard to remove limbs from warm covers. I remember the advice of one November retreat member, to do everything immediately!! If it doesn’t always get me out of bed on the dot, it at least cracks a smile. I have started reading a section from Easwaran’s book, The End of Sorrow, every morning before meditation. If the thought of ‘Immediately!’ doesn’t get me going, those sections usually do. They are so often tailored to my situation that I can’t help but think Easwaran is with me. Like a grandfather I took for granted, when I came back to him I was greeted with a treasure trove of writings. And I gain infinite comfort from the knowledge that other young adults around the world are striving to walk this path too. Here we are! Here we are! Planting seeds, tending the garden.